Self-care has become a trendy term recently. I remember hearing it for the first time in graduate school and being utterly confused. Does self-care mean to care for the self? Aren’t I doing that all of the time? I felt confused and lost by this term. Eventually, I learned more about the term, and I notice that I am constantly rethinking the term over the years. I’ve been seeing the word pop up in articles, on social media, and my non-therapist friends use the term all of the time. I often feel like its used in a way that is greater limited its meaning and power.
Is self-care the same thing as Treat Yo Self? It can be. Is self-care taking a yoga class? It can be. Is self-care getting a massage or getting a manicure? It can be. All of these examples are nice and can often help us to feel good. But I’ve noticed that this is too often the sole focus of self-care and other important ways to take care of ourselves is forgotten.
Let’s first talk about the kinds of self-care I mentioned above. Relaxation is absolutely part of self-care. We live in an extremely fast-paced and stimulating environment. It is great to practice mindfulness through meditation or yoga to connect with our bodies and our minds. Getting a massage can help with pain, improve the overactive cognitive functioning of our brain and let us actually rest, even if for a short time. I remember a professor of mine explaining that using a beautiful smelling dish soap can create self-care in moments of chores or responsibilities that feel in conflict with self-care time. Carving out time during the day or week to do something for us is important. Even though I believe that these kinds of activities are self-care, sometimes I feel like the conversation ends there. It might not be enough to get a nice manicure, have a nice meal or go shopping. And sometimes the burden of paying for these activities, or finding time for them, can actually increase our stress and reduce the effectiveness of self-care.
This brings up my main point: what else is self-care? I think sometimes the greatest form of self-care is the way we are with ourselves. Can we interact with ourselves in a way that is gentle, understanding and forgiving? It is so easy to become harsh towards ourselves about our limitations. Maybe we made a mistake at work, forgot an appointment, or laundry is piling up. Maybe we didn’t give ourselves enough time to get somewhere on time. Maybe we felt too tired to cook or go to the gym. Maybe we just don’t want to go out tonight with friends and a book or Netflix sounds better. Too often we (many times women) can be so hard on ourselves for making mistakes, or not doing everything perfectly, or disappointing others. Can we be gentle to ourselves? Can we forgive ourselves when we make mistakes? Can we still love ourselves when life isn’t perfect?
Acknowledgment of how we feel is also important self-care. I remember my very first job out of college. It seemed like everything I could have wanted and my friends and family members also felt that way. I started to have feelings of disappointment creep into my mind, but I dismissed them. Then I started to feel resentful towards my coworkers. I dismissed those feelings and put on a smile. I started feeling distracted at work and wasn’t very enthusiastic about my tasks. I started to beat myself up about my work ethic and abilities. Looking back at that time in my life, I wish I could have acknowledged my feelings towards my work, rather than directing towards myself critically. Sure, I “took care of myself” by going to yoga classes regularly, being with friends and having little spa days every once in a while. But I was ignoring myself and my feelings. I could not handle the conflict in my mind that a job I thought I wanted and that I thought was perfect was actually making me miserable. The best self-care I could have done for myself at that time would have been to acknowledge my feelings as valid and important.
This is where therapy came into my life. I needed the help of a therapist to allow myself to connect with my own feelings, validate them, and help me think through it. To this day, therapy is my most important self-care. Not everyone needs therapy to help them with that, but nonetheless, honoring your feelings is self-care.
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